Letting go..

I am assuming , with a mostly female audience reading this, that you all have "that one." Your first love, the one you always go running back to, comparing all guys to him, your safety guy...

Well this weekend I went to my "that one"'s wedding..

You're screaming "BAD IDEA!" right? Well, I will be honest, it was weird but I do think it was the best idea. First and foremost, I do still consider him to be a friend and I really honestly and truly want him to be happy. But more so, I want me to be happy. Going to his wedding got me thinking about my own future and what/who I want to be a part of it... I know every girl is supposed to think about these things but I have never really thought about my wedding, marriage, future, etc but I actually did, a little, this weekend.. with this current guy I am with.

I already knew that he meant a lot to me, more than a lot, but I could visually see us standing up there together and that was very weird for me. Which is why I probably did not handle it the best way.

On top of being a little buzzed, come on it was an open bar, it was like a mini High School reunion which did not put me on the right foot. I am happy with my life but right now I have a lot of "well I'm trying, well i hope, maybe this maybe that." There isn't a lot of definite things going on right now. It is hard to talk about a guy i am with when he isn't with me and is thousands of miles away. It sucks not having a job I am completely proud of. And it can be a bummer being around people that have visual things to show for their lives - husbands, kids, jobs. Don't get me wrong, I really am happy with my life - although it may not sound like it right now - I have achieved so much and seen so much more than many can even wish for. But right now, at this current time in my life, those things are in the past - so what is in my present and future.. I am not sure, and that is all I had to offer these people all weekend.

So.. I hope you can all empathize with me.. I started saying stupid things to my guy, freaking him out, showing him I can be just as crazy as every girl he is trying to stay away from.. so on top of all this wedding drama, now I am not feeling that solid in my love life. Why do we do that to ourselves? What is it in our heads that makes the crazy come forward so fast and if we can't stop it, how do we fix it?

signed - regretful and confused